thingy review-y
[002] - [microsoft solitaire collection]

microsoft solitaire collection is a game made by, well, microsoft. you know, those guys! they made all your favorite classics such as minesweeper and jigsaw back during the windows xp days. well, actually, they didn't make the jigsaw version, they only made that when they were able to do it during windows 10, which was VERY late if i had to be honest. imagine if someone had to wait this long in order to actually fucking play jigsaw. even tabletop simulator was able to do that a few years ago when it was first still in beta on kickstarter. like come on man at least have some decency.

most obviously, the important part of solitaire is none other than klondike, which was back then, the only game of cards besides hearts (i think as of windows 7? there's also spider solitaire and all that which we'll get into later). klondike is the name for the regular solitaire. rows of cards, put em in the stock pile. i remember when the school computers all used to run windows xp still, but now they're all windows 10, with a few being spared to windows 7 while only one computer in the barely used science lab still runs windows xp.

as you can see, looks like the regular solitaire we all know and love. nothing else to this. might as well just begin or some-

ok i'm fucking done

[1/10]

thingy review-y
[003] - [bejeweled 3]

bejeweled 3 is the game that candy crush wanted to be, but failed too hard by begging people to beg their friends on facebook for more levels. they have their similarities though. they're a match 3 game with special items being created from matching more than three in a move. unlike candy crush, bejeweled 3 is actually fun, and you don't have to suffer with the absolute hellspawn that is real time waiting for something arbitrary. a lot of games do this nowadays, i could go on for a rather fair bit on the topic of games that like to act like their scummy mobile game counterparts. voodoo being one of the biggest criminals when it comes to something like this. criminals of stolen seconds of TIME that is! bejeweled 3 has it's 2 counterparts, bejeweled and bejeweled 2, but i have never played those before. i've only played bejeweled twist on my ds and most recently, bejeweled 3 on steam. i have no idea how it landed onto steam, so don't ask me how i was able to even grab it on steam anyways. the thing's like, a dollar. it's a steal. cheaper than portal 1 and 2 combined.

bejeweled 3 takes place in an unknown world with rome like elements and you have an initial selection of four game modes. one being a trial in the mobile version of the game. why? mobile. don't underestimate the power of shitty business practices and mobile game developers.

when you initially start the game fresh, you get a selection of four modes with the other four being locked. you can unlock them by doing certain tasks in the main four modes, such as reaching a certain level in zen to unlock something. this is fine, however. these tasks are not absolutely impossible to achieve and they let you give the mode a shot!

1:56 pm

8:27 pm

welcome back to me reviewing bejeweled 3! we last left off on me being an actual fucking idiot and forgetting that i was writing stuff about this. back on track now, bejeweled doesn't really have a set story or anything unless you want to count the quest mode as something remotely related to lore. you can get the same amount of lore in candy crush in a fortune cookie wrapper. or maybe a candy wrapper. pretty sure one of them made spongebob cry at some point. not as in candy crush made him cry, rather the time patrick was reading the description of a candy wrapper. on relation of actual fuckin' game modes, you start off with classic, zen, lightning, and quest. classic is the regular match 3, keep matching until you're out of moves. zen doesn't have this and has oddly implemented zen features with ambience, lightning is zen but at a time limit and more powerups, and quest is the "story mode" of it all, containing a bunch of levels. i fucking hate poker iv. i hate it so much. oh my god.

11th

1:04 pm

(not gonna say anything. gonna move on with the review.) let's try and get my opinions on all the modes, why don't we? let's begin with the main four, and then the side four.

• classic

  the regular mode that some of us may or may not know and love. personally, i like the idea of this mode! rounds could technically last forever based on luck, but eventually, lady luck's going to get to you and you run out of moves. my way of trying to control this factor is to set up 5-gem specials called hypercubes which destroy all gems on the board that it swaps places with in classic match 3 fashion.

• zen

  zen is the same as classic mode, but instead of there being a chance to get no moves and losing the game (meaning you aren't technically supposed to win bejeweled in classic mode), it generates gems to have something that indeed matches. and if all else fails, it just re-scrambles. the other thing about zen mode that's unique to itself are the ambience options you can put onto it. personally, zen mode is a very great addition to bejeweled, and takes all the stress out of it. great for relaxation!

• lightning

  if you loved having stress while doing match 3 constantly, this is for you! lightning is the same as zen mode as in you can never run out of moves, but this time, you're always running out of time to do your gem moves. you need to collect "time gems" to increase how much time you have and gain as many points as possible. you'll need a good memory and a well ironed out pair of eyeballs in order to do extraordinary in this mode.

• quest

  the main attraction of bejeweled 3, i think! this is where all the magic happens. the premise of quest mode is to complete enough challenges to rediscover the lost relics of bejeweled. i thought you had to do 4 out of the 8 you were given, but nope! it appears that you have to do ALL of them in order to fully bring back the lost relics. also, speaking of the challenges of the relics. whoever made poker iv, fuck you. just fuck you man. poker iv is amazingly random-number-generator-based torture. you'll get what i mean later down the line.

• poker

  this horrible son of a bitch is fucking the gods of randomness, and basically, you're fucking stupid. jokes aside now, poker is a horrendously luck-based mode. sure, classic mode is entirely dependant on your luck, but poker somehow makes it even worse. basically, you match gems in a way that make you create hands, and specific combinations get you credits. skulls appear and you need to make sure you don't score under the skull, or it becomes a 50/50 chance that you might lose. the quest version of this mode makes you have to score a specific amount of credits in a hand. in this case, you need to be so fucking lucky in order to do this mode any good. you're gonna need like several perfect matches to even get a chance at winning.

• diamond mine

  the second locked mode in the game (the first being poker), diamond mine is where you use gems to burrow through the ground in order to collect treasure and descend further. if you complete a chunk of underground fast enough, you can accumulate time bonuses to advance further in the game. this could also mean it would technically last forever if you like to be insanely fast and effective during match 3 games. i haven't played this one much, but it looks fun.

• butterflies

  a more tactic-based mode where you have to match butterflies that appear from the bottom of the board and go up a gem every move you make. the premise is to match a butterfly with their matching gem to rescue them from the spider on the top of the board. if even one of the butterflies hit the spider at the top of the board, it's game over. this mode is great for people who take the extra time to think, as it allows for them to make more tactical moves to rescue as many butterflies as they can.

• ice storm

  this is just an even more stressful version of zen, with constantly rising ice towers that climb up the board. you have to match gems to get rid of the ice before it fully freezes the board. personally, this is just way too stressful for me. i'm not sure if it's how the graphics are handled or the narrator's intimidating voice, but i'm just gonna assume it's both and tell you that it's not for the faint of heart. at all, really. stress is a fuck, man.

this actually covers all of the content for bejeweled 3 besides all the specific requirements for the quests in quest mode. besides that, bejeweled 3 is probably one of the best match 3 games you'll experience. no life meter waiting facebook god forsaken bullshit, it's just a regular match 3, with game modes and a zen mode so the game can also be used to do stuff such as managing stress. a good mixture of fun, stress, and relaxation. will lady luck be positive towards you today? only one way to really find out, that is.

[8/10]

thingy review-y
[004] - [marble it up!]

marble it up! is a game created by i have no idea who, but hey it's the modern version of marble blast ultra. let me give you one of those epic history lessons on marble it up. the first variation of this game was a series of games called thr marble blast series. this series has the exact same premise of being a marble and travelling through obstacles while sometimes collecting gems. the first game originally released on pc, and had this weird cartoony style to it. the physics are something we'll get into later.

8:14 pm

this image here is a screenshot from the original marble blast gold, which is available to get here, free of charge. this explanation from the same site, marbleblast.com, gives a detailed description on the game more than i do.

"Marble Blast Gold revolves around controlling a colourful marble around different stages, with the goal getting to the end pad while avoiding falling off the level (Out of Bounds). Some levels even contain hazards to hinder the player’s progress and powerups to help him pass various challenges. Collecting gems is a requirement in some levels before players can complete the level. Some levels feature a Qualify Time in order to increase difficulty, and all levels feature a Gold Time, where players must finish the level below a specific time-frame. Beating Gold Times is not a requirement for progression in the game. Marble Blast Gold supports user created custom levels, which can be shared."
-marbleblast.com

that out of the way, marble it up is made by a lot of the people who worked on the last marble blast sequel, marble blast ultra, as a new modern game with a new title and similar premise. this is where the game marble it up currently stands it up! i actually gave the modified version of marble blast gold a fair shot, and while the physics are indeed good, i would even say that the physics are actually better in that, then in marble it up! marble blast's physics seem much looser and make you jump higher, for more amplified levels. marble it up has a heavier marble and it doesn't bounce as much, leading to worse mid-air steering and such, making some levels an actual nightmare to deal with sometimes if you're cranking for a good rank in a level, which is based on time. some levels are open with the gem requirement, leading some players to be confused on what they're actually supposed to do in order to get the most optimal route.

the physics for a physics based game is pretty fucking important if i had to be honest. without it, the game's a bunch of nothing. this makes marble it up a pretty meh game. i haven't tried the workshop levels yet though, so we'll wait on me playing workshop levels before i can give the game a new rating.

7/10

thingy review-y
[005] - [baba is you]

12th

9:02 am

baba is you about the game where the main point of the game is to break the rules, and by breaking, i mean absolutely demolishing the rules until it somehow begs for mercy. you are baba, the combination of everything pure in the world and a bunny. you like winning, but the rules put in place of you do not want you to win. this makes you very NOT HAPPY >:( until you push one of the rule blocks, causing the game to change. that's the game, changing the rules!

levels that might seem impossible can be much of the opposite after changing a few rules. however, this can sometimes get highly complicated. this allows for more complex levels and sequences, allowing levels to vary wildly in difficulty. however, i don't really have a right to say anything about the game from that point onwards as i haven't actually beat the game. additionally, it would take a while for me to even finish the game to begin with considering how many levels there are. but, from what i've seen, the game's very fun yet confusing! i'm pretty sure the game's even turing complete, so it can technically play conway's game of life! check it out!!

this comes to show how advanced a simple game can really get! plus, i hear a level editors coming out soon. that's going to allow for some SERIOUS COOL STUFF! maybe we'll get an entire rough clone of the legend the zelda if even POSSIBLE. there's probably going to be an obvious limit on how big the level can be, though.

[8/10]

thingy review-y
[006] - [ballisticng]

alright, imagine mario kart, the racing game with powerups, right? great. now imagine you're going at BREAKNECK SPEEDS with MUCH COOLER WEAPONS, and it's NO BULLSHIT either, with BUILT-IN WORKSHOP SUPPORT FOR CUSTOM SHIPS AND TRACKS. welcome to the world of ballisticng. if i had to be honest, this is one of the best racing games i've played in years. far too long have i been suffering with the slow cartoony game that is mario kart. too long has the dlc crippled my experience, and online being a pain in the ass (SWITCH ONLINE). now with ballsiticng, all these worries and more have faded away! now we get to race with guns in a much more appealing and less copyrighted fashion! have i also ever told you how good the soundtrack is? it fits one of my favorite genres of music! fast electronic percussion!

9:46 am

whoops, time's cutting short again. i'll see you guys after the one subject and recess break. although, since it's science as the next cdli class, i have doubts i'll even get a breathing moment to actually type anything. alright bye!

13th

9:16 am

alright i'm back, on with more talking about stuff. ballisticng is fast(er) mario kart with guns. however, this game isn't something entirely new! it's actually based off of a pre-existing game that was made alongside the playstation and became a staple ever since. let me introduce you to wipeout, the racing game and not the game show about not falling into the ocean as best as you can from a bunch of stuff hitting your face. the playstation was a console that told you, "hey, i'm not some kids toy, you nintendo worshipping dog pile of CAT SHIT. i'm an ADULT CONSOLE, not a BABY CONSOLE". what i mean by this is that the games on the playstation usually don't have the ESRB's E rating, usually T to M. there's not really any in the A18 section because why would anyone do that besides some lonely fuck? anyways, the premise of video game wipeout on the playstation is that you're set in the future, sometimes around 2180, and well you don't really matter because who the FUCK ordered lore in MY racing game??? wipeout just sends you straight into the game like n++ and you're free to choose from a gradual campaign mode or maybe one of those custom race modes. not sure if they actually have it, but ballisticng sure does. wipeout first had some form of lore into it with actual DRIVER NAMES for ships instead of being called liveries. that bothers me because i just wanna see a racing game, not people. like holy FUCK that was the entire point of PGR4 aka project gotham racing 4 (ALSO WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FIFTH INSTALLMENT MAN C'MON!!!!). over the course of 12 years, wipeout got new installments usually when a new console rolled around from sony. sometimes they released more than one per console, which is pretty good. the latest game in the franchise appears to be wipeout omega collection on the ps4 as of right now. the wipeout omega collection is the combination and recreation and remastering of three different wipeout games. the physics probably got changed though. there's several methods to how to move your ship around in games like these that it becomes needlessly complicated over time.

alright, here's ballisticng in proper show and less tell. (images taken from the game's steam page)

like, i'll be honest. this game just fits my tastes in both art and gaming. a perfect mixture of fast paced action, fighting, custom content, and interesting and detailed environments. it reminds me of my own project named klaust_ in the art style and lore, mainly the future related stuff. i wonder if vonsnake will ever make a cyberpunk dlc. that'd be great! anyways, i'm sure the images show the main concept here. you drive around in a futuristic flying ship and have to get first place. although other modes might not be this way (more on this in a second!). question is, how fast can we get? well, why describe it when i could directly show you instead??